Whatever happens, we are lucky to have our wonderful six-year-old daughter. But at the same time, trying to guide her through this situation has been one of the most difficult things we’ve had to deal with.
The biggest issue for our daughter is not having Mommy at home, and not knowing how long she’ll be in the hospital. I tried telling her that it was like Mommy was on a long business trip, but unlike other business trips, we could still visit her. But Mommy’s never been on a business trip longer than five days. A therapist advised us to pick a date that would represent the longest scenario we’ve been given, and tell her that Mommy will be home then. If it ends up being shorter, she’ll be happy to have Mommy home sooner. At first we were told that making it to 31 weeks was the best we could hope for, but we’ve since been told that 34 weeks is possible if we’re lucky. So we’ve noted that date (September 26th) to our daughter, and put up a calendar at the hospital. Every evening our daughter has been drawing a heart on the corresponding day. But all those blank boxes on the calendar are daunting, and I know it’s hard for her to comprehend how long it will really be. Never has time passed so slowly for all of us.
I was hoping that over time things would get easier for her, but I think it’s actually gotten tougher in some ways. Each day seems to be taking a toll on her. At various times, sometimes without warning, my daughter will start crying and say that she misses Mommy. Then on the way to camp one day she started to cry but held herself back. She said she was embarrassed and didn’t want her friends to see her that way. I had to explain to her that it was okay to cry and let things out.
At times it’s been heartbreaking to hear the questions our daughter has asked, and the words she has used to articulate her feelings.
She was really excited about becoming a big sister, but when she realized that things weren't going well, she asked, “If the baby dies, can you make another one?” I wasn’t prepared for her to ask that. Truthfully, one way or another, this is it for us, which makes this whole ordeal harder. But I didn’t want to answer her directly, so I told her that we don’t want to think about that, and we just want the best for this baby.
During the first week, she asked to speak to the baby, and went up to Mommy’s tummy and said quietly, “I love you… I hope you survive and come out alive.” There were tears all the way around.
Recently on our way home from the hospital she said “It doesn’t feel like we’re a family anymore without Mommy at home.” I reassured her that we are still very much a family, and that we are becoming a stronger family because of this.
One day she told Mommy “I miss seeing you wear pretty dresses,” and added “the hospital dresses are ugly.” Fortunately, we’ve since been able to bring my wife some maternity clothes that she could wear.
She also told me that having Mommy in the hospital is tougher for her because I’m a big person, and she’s just a kid.
As time has gone by, my daughter has become more and more angry at the situation. She has frequently told me that the “world is stupid” and not being fair to our family.
Last week while driving home she told me that this was all my fault and Mommy’s fault for making the baby. She said that she used to want to be a big sister, but not any more. I knew she didn't mean it, and she later admitted she was just saying that because she’s upset. Still, it’s hard to hear her say things like that.
She has also been acting out in a lot of ways. She’s often extremely irritable and has been particularly defiant. Sometimes I feel like she’s purposely picking a fight with me, saying no to everything I ask her to do. She’ll often throw a tantrum and will yell “I hate this day!” and “This is the worst day in my life!” She’s also started throwing and hitting things in the house. It’s a tough balancing act between letting her blow off some steam, and punishing her.
Sadly, my daughter has also had a serious bout with self-inflicted constipation. My wife and I felt awful because we knew that the stress of the situation was triggering this behavior. My daughter would feel the urge to go, and would stand by the toilet, but would refuse to sit. She would say that it hurt too much, and she’d clench herself and would forcefully hold everything in. We tried just about everything to help her go, but nothing worked. At one point I told her that she didn’t have to go if she didn't want to, but she refused to leave the bathroom. On multiple occasions I stood by her for over an hour, trying to reason with her and pleading with her to go, and telling her that I’d do whatever she wanted. But it was as if she was frozen. When she hadn’t had a BM in about a week, I became concerned that she was going to make herself sick. I took her to a doctor and she finally went, but then she started to have accidents, and then a relapse. After a second visit to the doctor and some medicine, we think and hope that she’s finally turned the corner.
It’s hard to imagine what other issues might arise and how we’ll cope with them. I just hope that our daughter comes through this without any long-term emotional scars. I love her so much and it hurts to see her going through all of this.
